Searching for Home

It took me awhile to realize this, but now I’m understanding how my life as an adult reflects my needs as a child. Growing up, I never felt comfortable in any house I grew up in. I never got that feeling of ‘home.’ There was no place I looked forward to going and no place where I felt safe. There was always someone around the corner to hassle me, demean me, get physical with me, and belittle me. The idea of ‘home’ has always included a feeling of being unsafe and on guard 24/7. It’s an exhausting way to go through the world.

As a child, I was always more creative at friends houses. I’d sit and draw and doodle more if I was away from home. The house from my childhood inhibited experiments and growth and change. At other places, I was able to create freely with out the dread of a constantly negative, judging family.

Throughout my 20’s and 30’s, I had various homes, but often times I’d only live in them temporarily. After six months it was time to move on again.  It was always easy for me to pick up and move because I never got too attached to a place. I never felt grounded enough to want to stay. After a certain amount of time, the pain I carry starts to come to the surface so I move and get lost in the superficial excitement of something new. When I got married and lived with my wife, our homes we’re ok, but a dysfunctional marriage created stress. And again, the idea of ‘home’ wasn’t something I looked forward to.

It wasn’t until I built my own house that I realized how great having a safe, comfortable living space could be. It’s a place to get restored and to rejuvenate. It lets me unpack emotions from the day and from the rest of my life. It gives me a time and place to relax and recoup my energies. Having a private area to practice self healing doesn’t mean I’m actually going to do it though. Going through old memories and asking one self hard questions is a challenge, a safe, home can just make it a little bit easier to get started.

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