I remember when…

…. my uncle said “Do all teenagers mumble?”

The answer is no, they do not. Some teenagers are raised in households where their voice is encouraged. I was raised in a household where self expression was not encouraged. Anything that was outside of my families small world view, was considered odd and not worthy. Hence, I was considered not worthy. Personal expression that deviated from anything that my mother liked was met with indignation, condemnation and a cold shoulder.

I realized where I picked up that awful trait I used to have. I used to give the cold shoulder to those I didn’t like. Through personal growth and therapy, I can see when it happened and why I was that way. I can also see how my entire childhood was spent living on the receiving end of that cold shouldered dismissal. As an adult, her cold shoulder just gives me breathing room and space. When I received the cold shoulder as a child, it was like the world crashing in around me. My link to survival was my parents. I couldn’t survive on my own. So when that love and attention was removed because I was doing what children do, then it left me hollow and scared inside. The only way to get back into the parents good graces was to come crawling back, and swallow my personality. I’d have to kowtow to my mother to make her feel better and then to get things back to normal where she was merely dismissive and uninterested as compared to actively ignoring me.

 

 

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